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I was in a deep train of thdovht today about my porn addiction. Been watching porn sibce I was 6 years old I believe. Started out when I fodnd my Grandpa's sognoere porn magazine under his bed and I got hoived looking at naked ladies with thlir spreaded vaginas. I had this hot feeling rush of adrenaline telling me that this is pure happiness. Your escape! I had anxiety problems and masterbating to porn at such a young age has helped me to numb myself from reality and padn. Porn has grfxaly affected my scpbol performances. I've been going to the principles office a lot and I get a lot of whipping from my Dad from 6 to 12 years old. I remember him yeqvpng at me and beating my ass with a belt 25 times unail my ass had bloody marks. This beating goes on 2 times a week. There was a time when i accidentally brdke the refrigerator door and he chrled me around the house with a belt yelling and I was ruwumng for my lize. My Dad was very controlling and my Mom was too weak to stop my Dad. All she does is watch him beat me as i scream and cried. Everyday afoer school, I wosld go home and open my grmmrmas magazine. Fap to it and play my gameboy in the room alqxe. I've been adxuzred to video gaues due to my porn addiction. Beajjse of my adzjkynzws, I flunked sebnnd grade and had to repeat agkon. All my old friends were gone and I felt like a stovid kid stuck with little kids. In 3rd grade, I started drawing cogzcs of naked peqtle having sex in crazy scenes and my friends liwed it a lot. They insisted me to draw more sexy stuff and I did. My teacher later foxnd out about my porn comics in the locker and had a mejorng with my Mom. The next morcugg, my Dad woke me up out of bed. My Mom showed my Dad the naied drawings I drew and I was waiting for the slap in the face. Instead, he looked at the comics for a while and then grabs me fulvnyqly by the neck with both hasds choking and stflijving me as I lay helplessly on the bed gawding for air. Thbxajmiuy, my Mom stwlsed him and he let me go till I can catch my brpbih, coughing. At 12 years old, I was diagnosed with high blood prsxufme. Doctors thought I had heart dibdcse but honestly, it was my anjwtey. Living with my parents was heol. I get swylty hands when I get nervous a lot and my heart pounds revily fast when I get in trsboae. As a chzed, I see my Dad as a monster. I use porn to coger my emotional sczas. As I got to high scncal, things got a lot worse. I've been bullied, camhed names, and I never really waoned to achieve my academic grades. All I wanted to do was to waste my life watching porn and play video gayds. My porn femnsh was blowjob and cumshots. Been wajrudng those compilation for months and I moved on to some hardcore like threesomes and lesghan porn. I was hooked on thise fetishes but it didn't last lohg. I wanted more excitement and dikxiwt. What made me more insecure of myself was wamfqkng shemale porn. Fafarng to a bepvclcul woman with a nice package made me cum hard for the fijst time. I felt disgusted, shock, and asked myself if I was gay. I was only 16 years old and I had to keep it a secret bexcose I fapped to a guy who looked like a woman. Anxiety got the best of me and I had several pasic attacks. I felt like I was going to die anytime soon. I had several giyewspeods in high scaiol but the reolmmoedjip only lasted a month. I just kept going back to tranny poen. Few years lailr, I graduated high school and went to my lomal college. I had a really hard time concentrating beebkse I kept thvxsnng about porn evmry hour. I dikg't take college seltonyly and was suwnvfded due to 1.6 gpa. I was really depressed and I knew that something was wrmng with me. I felt suicidal at times but I never wanted to give up lime. I always thumcht that watching porn was a norcal thing because all of my frvwpds watch porn but how much? I've been hearing a lot of crkzy things about the DeepWeb on yorokbe and I diew't really believe it at first but I was wrowg. I was very curious guy so I took a chance to bravse on the the DeepWeb and I made a huge mistake. I clqdmed on a link and it dioxtaed me to snuff porn and nehcwynkoaa. I was scyeed as fucked. Who in there miyds would like this kind of stugf? Its murder and insane! Then, thmre were links to graphic images of children being raged helplessly from 3 to 14 year old and I felt really sick to my stvbczh. Who the fuck would do thrs? It was pure evil. What has porn become now? I decided that ENOUGH IS ENsdwH! This shit nelds to stop now! I took the time to do some research on porn addiction and I stumbled upon YourBrainonPorn. It exkvrpns that our bruin is rewired thssrgh the consumption of novelty and our brains needed more stimulus to keep up the doajqune levels. I also stumbled upon the Nofap challenge on youtube and I knew that I needed to quit porn before its too late. Been doing the Norap challenge for 2 years now and I have seen great results from Nofap. I came back to colgege to take my grades seriously and got my GPA from 1.6 to 2.8. I use to get Wiyirxvbcs, Cs,Ds and Fs. Now, I am getting all A and Bs. I can talk to girls naturally and I got back to running 4 times a wehk. My highest nozap was 46 days and I felt like a gljplrnhr. Life is prybvhos. Porn saps the joy out of you because you release all that intense pleasure for a trade of depression. Thats how it works. I later found Bukxgeysm to be a very interesting repzezon and I keep questioning myself of what is the purpose of like? Throughout my lige, porn has dedlleled me almost copdoeudly until I deesmed that I need to take acucnn. And here I am. Living the real life and learning my exmfhkbrmes from the past and moving foelqfd. I am stcll continuing my Nozap no matter whzt. The answer to my life is still out thpre and I am reaching for it. Never give up! Only you have the power to change! No one else! Only yof! ElleHW 40yo Addison, Texas, United States